I have never been to Montauk. Atleast I don’t think I have…I vaguely remember visiting when I was a girl with my father. We picked pumpkins in the fall, I remember the stone covered beaches. The cattail blanketed bluffs. But I don’t know for sure. It would make sense if I had, because I’ve been longing for it, perhaps ever since.
And today I needed some kind of medicine. And I think the faint memory of cliffs meeting sea was the remedy to cure this insatiable urge for elsewhere.
Aside from my camera, I didn’t bring much of anything. And no matter how much I wanted to…I couldnt leave the knot in my throat behind, so she came with me. Choking my every thought into tears.
It’ll all be better once we reach the coast..
This longing, I have become familiar with, isn’t so much for a place, or a time in my life. It’s not for another person, although I get confused by that quite often…it’s a longing for self. With the shyest voice she calls to me. Many times I can’t hear it over the noise I have built up around her. Drowning her out. But she and I are the same, so the days like today where I feel the weight of it, choking me, I listen for what it is she’s trying to say.
So I drove. A make believe escape…singing along to my favorite songs. I started to breathe a little easier. The hold on my throat began to loosen…the bare naked trees became pines and I knew I was getting close. I rolled the windows down and took in the aroma. Salt and seaweed and burnt cedar filled my car.
Another dune, another bend…
And there she was, the sea. For a moment I couldn’t tell the difference. Because looking out at her, rhythmically chaotic ballet, I felt I was looking at myself. Pulling back, pushing forward. Shy and confident all at once. Eternally stuck in a dance between perfection and mess…there I was. In awe of her. Vast emptiness. Worlds living underneath. Holding on and letting go. Never straying from her fate to kiss the sand. The sea became more than the medicine I was seeking, rather a mirror shining back at me. Glistening smiles into the air. Telling me everything I’ve been dying to hear.
What you seek is not out there. What you seek is not elsewhere. Because wherever you go, there you are. You cannot escape it, and nor should you want to. Because the mess you create striving for perfection is the dance you were meant to enjoy. Only pull back from that which hurts. Yet don’t be surprised to find, pain is what pushes you. Your empty spaces are already full. Hold tight to the light that’s inside you. Let the current carry you along..glisten back for others to see. The love they seek is inside…
RISING OTSANA 